


Fifty Bucks

by jedi_penguin



Series: Friends, Lovers, Family (And Everything In-Between) [1]
Category: Night Court
Genre: But they totally have chemistry no matter where the story ends up, F/M, Innuendo, Pre-Relationship, Series 7 AU, UST, s7ep7: Auntie Maim
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-25 21:25:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13843353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jedi_penguin/pseuds/jedi_penguin
Summary: What if Dan had come by instead of Mac when Roz found herself in desperate need of a pretend boyfriend?  AU of episode 7x07, “Auntie Maim.”





	Fifty Bucks

Roz was in hell. Absolute hell. Auntie was bad enough during large family gatherings, but she was unbearable one-on-one. There was no way to get away from the woman without hurting her feelings, and Roz would cut off her own arm before she did that.

Come to think of it, it might just come down to an amputation or two. She should keep her Swiss army knife handy, just in case.

Aunt Ruth was trying to show her a picture. “Roz, this young man is just perfect for you. I’ll call Dexter and have him here in ten minutes.”

“No!” Roz winced internally, wishing that she hadn’t yelped. Christine was right; she needed to stand up for herself a little. “I don’t want to meet any Dexter.”

Auntie looked pissed. “Why on earth not?”

“Because!” Auntie glared and Roz realized that she needed to do a bit better than that. “Because… I’ve… got a boyfriend…”

“You have?” And maybe she’d be okay, because Auntie hadn’t straight out called her a liar. “Then why haven’t you ever mentioned this before?”

Roz stared at her food and muttered quietly, “Never came up.” 

“Girl, I’m **glad** you’ve got a boyfriend!” Ruth actually did sound happy. Maybe Roz could get through the evening with her sanity intact and her aunt unmurdered. “Of course, there’s no way I’m going to leave you now.”

“WHAT?!?”

Auntie put on her most mulish look. “I’m not going to budge one inch until I can meet him!”

“Hey, Roz!” She turned to see Dan, standing beside his usual chair and looking slightly shell-shocked. “Why don’t you join me? I was just talking to the last defendant. You know, Sascha Minkoff? I’ve GOTTA tell you what she said! Apparently—“

Roz leapt up with a bright smile. “And whatta ya know? He’s here!” She bounded over to Dan and gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “Hi, sweetheart!"

Dan, being Dan, gave her his smarmiest smile and started to straighten his tie. “Well…“

“Shut up,” she hissed into his ear. “I need a pretend boyfriend during my Aunt Ruth’s visit, and you’re it.”

“Boyfriend? **Me**?” As much as Roz wanted to hit him, she also rather wanted to kiss him again for keeping his voice too low for Auntie to hear. There were remarkably few good things that one might say about Dan Fielding, but nobody could deny that the boy was quick. “Say listen, Roz—“

With anyone else, she would have threatened physical violence to get her way, but there was a faster and easier way to get things done when you were dealing with Dan. “I’ll give you ten bucks to play along; fifty if you can make her believe it.”

Dan smiled brightly and draped an arm around her shoulder. “You know I would do anything for you, sugar cakes.” Resisting an urge to smack him, Roz pointed out her aunt. Dan picked up his tray and walked over to her. Once there, he put down his tray, offered his hand, and plastered on his best suck-up smile. “Dan Fielding, Assistant District Attorney. **And** , thanks to your niece, the luckiest man on earth. You must be Ruth, my sweetie’s favorite aunt. It is **such** an honor to meet you, Ms. Russell; you have no idea.”

Auntie beamed. “Well! I must say—“

“Hey, Roz, I need to get those bail receipts.” All three of them turned towards Mac and Roz suppressed an urge to beat her head against the table. If the clerk had just come along two minutes sooner, she could have presented Mac as her ‘boyfriend’ and kept Dan as far away from Auntie as possible. The world sucked.

Still, it was what it was. “Sure thing, Mac. I’ll have them to you before the end of the dinner break. I’m just having dinner with my Auntie right now.”

“And your **boyfriend**!” Dan had never looked more smug, and Roz’s desire to hit him was growing by leaps and bounds. “Can’t forget about me!”

Mac gaped at them. “You two are—“

“Coming up on our six month anniversary?” Dan looked like he was enjoying this far too much. “How sweet of you to remember! Are you still planning on joining us for drinks after we get off work tonight?”

The world sucked, but Roz was just going to have to make the best of it. “Yes!” She grabbed Mac’s sweater, jumped up, and got close to his face. “Of **course** he’ll be celebrating with us! Because **nobody** is happier for us than old Mac is. Isn’t that **right** , Mac?”

Mac’s jaw literally dropped. “But… but…”

Auntie gave Roz a suspicious look. “What’s he saying?”

“ _Blahozelanie_.” Dan smiled broadly. “It’s Slovakian for ‘congratulations.’” Dan grabbed Roz’s hand and drug her back to her seat. “Mac is Slovakian.”

Ruth stared at the African-American clerk in his Bill Cosby sweater. “He looks it,” she said flatly. 

Roz leaned close to Dan and whispered furiously. “Why did you just make up that blahzy baloney?” 

Dan put an arm around her and Roz squirmed to keep him from copping a feel. She wasn’t altogether successful. “I didn’t. I once found three Slovakian figure skaters lost on the subway and—“ 

She jabbed him in the ribs. “Not. Another. Word.” 

He gave her a smile that made her feel in need of a shower. “Let’s just say that they congratulated me **often**.” 

Meanwhile, Mac was still standing there, clearly waiting for an explanation. Finally, he growled, “Roz…" 

Roz smiled falsely. “Excuse me, Auntie. I have to talk to Mac about some work stuff.” 

And Dan was on it once again. “Hurry back, sweetheart.” She scowled at him but quickly changed her expression to a saccharine smile when she saw her aunt looking at her quizzically. “You know how much I hate being apart from you.” He clapped his hands together in feigned delight. “But perhaps Aunt Ruth and I can get acquainted in the meantime! I’m allowed to call you Aunt Ruth, aren’t I?" 

The old woman looked like she’d died and gone to heaven. Roz mentally promised herself that she would hurt Dan BADLY as soon as Auntie left town. In the meantime, however, she had to get rid of Mac. She steadily shoved Mac away from her aunt’s table, growling through clenched teeth, “You look like you could use some coffee.” 

As soon as they were out of earshot, she let go of Mac and he glared at her in exasperation. “What the hell is going on here, Roz?” 

“Just shut up and pretend that Dan is my boyfriend! I’ll explain later,” she pleaded. 

Mac looked pissed. “I don’t want to lie to your aunt.” 

Roz had reached her limit. “Do you want to go through life with one kidney?” 

He stared at her for a second, pasted on a fake smile, and walked back to the table. “Well, it sure was nice meeting you, Miss Ruth. And I guess I’ll see **you two** tonight, at your anniversary party!” 

Dan smiled broadly. Bastard. “Looking forward to it, Mac! Don’t forget that you promised to buy the first round!” 

Mac looked like he’d just swallowed a pickled egg. “How could I ever forget **that**? Can’t wait to spend my hard earned money on you two crazy kids, especially when one of you makes a helluva lot more than I do…” 

Dan beamed and Mac stomped away in disgust. He turned to Auntie happily, and Roz began to suspect that he wasn’t actually faking all these smiles. Dan was enjoying this, and life was far worse than even she had ever suspected. “So, you got any baby pictures of my sweetiekins?” 

Dear Lord, did the woman ever have pictures! Every picture produced was more embarrassing than the last, and by the time Auntie encouraged Dan to comment on Roz’s “cute little behind,” she was ready to kill someone with her bare hands. Still, she managed to sound far more calm than she felt when she asked, “Auntie Ruth, could you **please** not show those pictures?” 

“Oh, Roz. How could you ask your aunt to keep that cute little tushie all to herself? Some things are meant for the world!” Not even Dan’s good humor could withstand the fierceness of Roz’s glare, so he gently reached over and took the pictures from Auntie’s hands. He started to move them to the inside pocket of his jacket, but Roz elbowed him viciously and he instead placed them face down on the table. “Ugh! We’ll, uh… finish these later.” 

Aunt Ruth didn’t smile, “Well then, let’s talk about you two. You said that today is your six month anniversary?” 

Dan and Roz both spoke at the same time. “That’s right.” “Uh huh.” 

“Well, that’s a long time for you two to be seeing each other and me not knowing anything about it. And it’s a long time for other things as well. I hope you haven’t been indulging in pre-marital relations." 

Dan burst into giggles. Roz kicked him, hard, and he turned to her in astonishment. “Wait, she’s serious?” Roz scowled and he stopped smiling. He turned to Auntie and said in a very deep voice, “Of course not. We would never do such a thing.” 

Auntie was looking less and less happy all the time. “Well, I know what the world is like these days. It’s wicked all over, and worse in the big city. I just don’t know if I can believe that.” 

Roz sighed. “Auntie. I **promise** you: I have **never** had sex with Dan.” 

Dan whispered too low for Auntie to hear, “We really should do something about that. Remind me after work.” She kicked him again. 

“That’s good. I’m relieved to hear it. Not enough people wait for marriage these days. So, is marriage something you’re thinking about?” 

“Marr—?” Dan spit out his coffee. “Uh, sorry about that. I choked on… something…. What was it that you were saying?” 

“Marriage.” Auntie spoke slowly, as if to idiots. “Do you two have plans to do it?” 

“It? I sure hope so! But marriage?” Roz kicked Dan yet again, and she **knew** that one had to have hurt. His voice sounded a bit squeaky as he said, “I’ll let Roz handle that one.” 

“We’ve talked about marriage, but haven’t really made any plans one way or the other.” Dan glared at her, and it made Roz oddly happy to know that he was finally hating this deception as much as she was. 

Aunt Ruth wasn’t any happier. “Uh huh. I thought so.” 

Roz looked imploringly at Dan and mouthed _Do something!_. He mouthed back _What the hell do you want ME to do?_ She picked up the napkin dispenser from the table and crushed it with one hand. He visibly gulped before pasting on one of his patented false smiles. “So, hey, Roz. What do you say? Wanna do **it** tonight?”

__

__

“I’ve got a headache,” she said sourly. 

“And this, Roz, is why you haven’t got yourself a man!” Aunt Ruth looked mad enough to chew nails. “You’ve got a **fine** man here—an attorney and everything!—and you can’t commit! I thought you were raised better than that!” 

“Yeah! I’m a fine man! You should be nicer to me.” 

Roz decided that she needed to stop fantasizing about hurting Dan. The amount of pain she was thinking of at this point, he’d probably like it. 

But Auntie wasn’t done. “And **you**! Mr. Fielding!” 

“Me?” 

“You might make your living off of your words, but that was a **sorry** excuse for a proposal! A Russell woman deserves much better!” Aunt Ruth turned to Roz in a fury. “When your sisters got married, their men got down on their knees and proposed **right**. I **know** because I was **there**!” She shoved a box at Dan. “Now, you’re going to need this. I always keep one for these occasions.” 

Dan opened the box and let out a high pitched scream. And just like that, he was out of his chair and gone. Left behind was his tray of food and an open box containing a ring with a very small and very fake-looking cubic zirconium in the middle of it. Ruth tilted her head and asked her niece, “So. Do you suppose the anniversary party is still on? I was kind of looking forward to it.” 

Roz shrugged. 

__*~*~*_ _

__By the time they’d finished their meals and walked back to the court room, Auntie seemed philosophical about Roz’s supposed break up. “I’m sorry, baby, but maybe it’s just as well. I’m not sure that that Dan was good enough for you anyway.”_ _

__Roz gave her first genuine smile of the night. “That’s probably true.”_ _

__“Girl!” Aunt Ruth smacked her upside the head and Roz wondered when she’d turned back into a ten year old. “Why you wasting your time on men that you **know** aren’t worth it? You know better than that!”_ _

__For a moment of madness, Roz considered telling Auntie that Dan had never been her boyfriend, that she'd only said that he was in order to get the old woman off her back. Luckily, Dan, of all people, saved her from the hot mess that would certainly resulted from **that**. He slid behind her and gave her a hug from behind. Roz was annoyed to notice that he was **again** taking advantage of the situation to touch her breasts. “I’m so sorry to have run like that, sweetie-cakes. I suddenly remembered a brief that I’d forgotten to file. We weren’t talking about anything important, I hope.”_ _

__“Knowing you, I doubt it was the type of brief that you’ve got to file,” Roz said sourly. “As for what we were talking about, it doesn’t matter now. Auntie thinks that you’re not good enough for me to marry you.”_ _

__“Oh thank God!” Dan noticed the two women glaring at him and reconsidered. “Uh, what I **meant** to say was, you’re right. Roz is far too good for me, and I’m not just saying that because she could pull out my heart from my living chest if I didn’t. I mean, I’ve **always** known that she was too good for me; I suppose it was just a matter of time before Roz realized it as well. I’m heartbroken, of course, but after all, it **is** for the best.”_ _

__“Dan, darling,” Roz growled through clenched teeth._ _

__“Yes, sweetheart?”_ _

__“I just broke up with you.”_ _

__“Did you?” Dan sounded far too gleeful as he said that._ _

__“So you’d better let go of me right now unless you’re wanting to lose a finger or ten.”_ _

__“Oh, of course.” Dan coughed delicately and slowly released her, being careful to cop another feel as he did so. Roz really needed to work on making him fear her. Once he had his hands at his side, he asked, “But say, we don’t **really** need to let the others know about this, do we? I mean, I’d **hate** to bust up the anniversary party!” Roz glared at him, wondering what in the hell he thought he was playing at. “I mean, it would be a **shame** to disappoint all our friends and, to be perfectly honest, I’m kind of broke right now. I could really benefit from Mac buying me a drink. I bet we could guilt Harry into standing a round as well.”_ _

__Roz fought down a belly laugh, limiting herself to a small smile instead. “Yeah, I’m a bit short myself at the moment. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to cage a free drink or two, and as you say, it would be a **shame** to ruin the others’ good time.” She turned to Ruth. “What do you say, Auntie? Do you think you can keep our non-relationship to yourself for tonight? Just until the party is over?”_ _

__“Won’t it be harder for them tomorrow, to learn the truth?”_ _

__Dan looked sorrowful. “It will be a blow to them no matter what, to learn that Roz and I aren’t the perfect couple that they believe us to be. The least we can do, and I do mean the **very** least, is to give them one more night to believe in true love. If we shatter their hopes tomorrow, at least they’ll have had tonight.”_ _

__So, Dan wanted their friends to pretend that they were a couple for Aunt Ruth’s sake, Aunt Ruth to pretend for their friends’ sakes, and for Roz to pretend so that he could con Mac and perhaps Harry out of free beers. “Why not?” It made as much sense as the rest of her life. She smiled. “Sounds like a plan to me.”_ _

__As soon as Ruth made her way to the spectators’ section, she slipped Dan $50. He’d earned it._ _


End file.
